I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
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