turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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