does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
