I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
