I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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