dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
they're like a gay fantastic four
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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