I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
