So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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