and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
