In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
