i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
