Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
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