someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
