god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
