apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
