you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Randomize
