it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
