By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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