After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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