He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
