Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
People with herpes should wear stickers.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Randomize
