Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
He? As in you personified your dick?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
