I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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