Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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