Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize