FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
