just come out here and I will go home with you...
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Come share oat with me in your robe
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
