How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
