I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
