and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
