This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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