I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
