Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Is Oprah even human
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
