it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
