ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
