i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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