I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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