Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
