You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
