the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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