I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I have tasted many bathrooms
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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