my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
