Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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