She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
We're using joints as your birthday candles
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
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