Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
