Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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