The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Randomize
