well I can't set my house on fire every night
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
