In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I am one with the molecules
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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