im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Randomize
