I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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