life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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