Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Randomize
