I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
