she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
