you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
