I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Help. Why am I so naked?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
