I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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