dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Randomize
