is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
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