Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
i think i just lost a toe
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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