Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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