quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
